ROAR! I'm back, baby!
(Yes, I just typed "Roar." Never mind. Let's pretend that didn't happen.)
Thank you, all, for your many emails, letters, cards, phone calls, tweets, shouts, telegrams, smoke signals, billboards, and skywritings asking about my health over the last month. Not to worry; though I've been silent on this blog, I've been doing great.
Well, mostly great. I still can't move, and the doctor says my hydraulic pressure is a little high, so I'm supposed to stay away from eating too many tourists. (Oh, and no more Mickey preztels.) But other than that, I'm doing great. Physically, at least. But my mind has been preoccupied.
So I think it's time for me to come clean about something.
The truth is, Universal's been trying to recruit me.
I know what you're thinking. How could I possibly even consider such a request? After all, Disney's my home. It's all I've ever known. What could Universal have to compete with working at the most popular vacation destination in the world?
Well, apart from the fact that Universal pays its cast in actual money, that is.
(Disney pays us in, uh, the privilege for working for Disney. Plus 20% off your meals on alternate Thursdays. But I get to ride Space Mountain as often as I want! On the one day a week I'm not working, that is. And you can't put a price on that. They told me so during Traditions.)
But what's a yeti like me need money for anyway? And apart from that, what could Universal possibly have to offer me?
See, it all started when I had an unexpected visit (complete with foreboding music) from a mysterious Mr. Slugworth. Apparently he used to work for a chocolate company, then got the boot in the bad economy, and now he works for Universal.
Slugworth approached me like that sneaky O salesman from Sesame Street.
"Psst, hey bud," he said. "I've got a proposition for you."
"My name's B. Mode," I said.
"So, B. Mode, B. Mode, B. Mode," he said, "I hear you've been stuck in, uh..."
"Position?" I offered.
"Well, actually, it doesn't," I countered. "That's the problem."
"Right," he said. "Well, my employer would like to make you an offer you can't refuse."
That's when he told me that he worked for Universal. Well, that was it. I told him that there was no way I was going to work for them. For one thing, they tried to kidnap me! And for another thing, Disney may have its flaws, but at least we hide our show buildings. Usually.
Well, he disavowed any knowledge of the yetinapping. And then he said something that got my attention. He pointed out that with all of Disney's fanfare about the new Fantasyland, they've forgotten all about me. It doesn't look likely that they'll ever get me moving. And he asked me if I'd been to Harry Potter Land World Universe Park, or whatever the heck it's called, over at Universal.
"Even the pictures and books move there," he pointed out. And he showed me this:
(His version moved. Mine doesn't, because I'm at Disney.)
"Dirty pool, Slugworth," I said defensively. "Dirty pool!"
"Not at all," he said. "River Country's been closed for years."
"Well regardless, I could never leave," I said. "Disney made me what I am!"
"And what are you?" he said. "A big stuffed animal. Imagine being a star animatronic again! Call me when you change your mind. Here's my card. Oh, and here's an everlasting gobstopper."
"Did you say, 'Everlasting Gobstopper'?" I said incredulously.
"Yes," he said. "And when that runs out, there's more where that came from."
And with that, he was gone.
So I've been mulling it over. And mulling some wine. And mauling some guests. For now, I think I'm staying put. But fair warning, Disney: Mickey's not the only one in town with a magic wand anymore. And this Potter kid is smart enough not to leave his hat in the middle of the street to block the view.
You know it's a slow news day when one of CNN's top stories is that Disneyland sometimes fills to capacity during the holidays.
Seriously, CNN? That was the best you could do? "Tonight at 11: Our undercover investigation uncovers the truth about broccoli. We go behind the scenes to prove that it does, in fact, taste better with cheese sauce. We'll have a reporter on the spot with a plate full of veggies. Also, a new study finds that people don't like having their heels run over by strollers."
Wait a second... What was the date on that? Is it almost New Year's already? Where was I?
I mean, yes, some of the other animatronics and I had a bit of a Christmas party, and yes, there might have been a fair amount of eggnog, but that stuff's just eggs, right? I mean, Gaston eats like five dozen of those things each morning, and I'm pretty sure I didn't have more than that. But if you wouldn't mind keeping the noise down, that would be great.
I meant to have more funny stories for you this week, but I've been tied up. Literally. I woke up to find myself wrapped in tinsel and covered with spare Osborne lights. (Stitch, I know this is your fault. Just wait until the imagineers get me working again and then we'll see if you can make a Great Escape before I pummel you into Frontierland.)
So I'm sorry to have been so quiet, but I've got some great new tales to tell. Just give me a few days to get untangled here, because then I've got a doozy of a story for you. It's got everything: passion, intrigue, danger, suspense, and utterly unintentional comedy. After all, it's about Disney World.
Being stuck in one position all day gets really boring, in case I haven't mentioned that already. The blog helps, but a lot of times I just don't know what to write about. I mean, most people blog about the things that happen to them every day. But who would want to read a blog like this:
14 Dec 2010 8:00 a.m. - Frozen in position. Thinking about butterflies.
14 Dec 2010 10:22 a.m. - Still frozen.
14 Dec 2010 3:17 p.m. - Yep, still frozen. I have an itch. I can't reach it.
15 Dec 2010 11:31 a.m. - I think the guy on that last train was picking his nose. Not sure though. He might just have been scratching.
I don't think I'd have many readers with that kind of blog. It would put people to sleep faster than Drew Carey's Sounds Dangerous.
So I've been thinking about what I can do from up here in my cave, and I've decided to try my hand at being an intrepid reporter. I'm not exactly sure what "intrepid" means, but it seems to be something that reporters are, and I want to be one. I'll report on all the Disney news around the world and around the World.
Kinda like Jim Hill but bigger and hairier.
And you're in luck today, loyal readers, because I already have my first big scoop! As you may already know, the Haunted Mansion's queue has been walled off for at least a couple of months now so that you can't see the graveyard:
Looks like a depressing airport terminal, doesn't it? And is that a little girl in the front riding on her dad's shoulders? Or is she a tiny assassin choking the life out of someone? It's hard to tell.
Anyway, the rumor has been that they're installing new gravestones there, and they're supposed to be interactive or personalized to your experience somehow.
Everyone's been speculating about what that means, but I'm here to end the speculation.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you evidence of the new, personalized Haunted Mansion graveyard being installed right now, straight from Epcot:
Now that's a legacy worth leaving.
P.S. Thanks to Foolish Mortal for letting me use one of his photos. FM, you can hitchhike in my doom buggy any day.