Today I was thinking: What if I never get fixed?
Yes, it would royally suck. (And that's saying something. Seriously, give a royal one of McDonald's triple-thick milkshakes* and watch them go to town. Those royals can suck!)
But it's not just about me, is it? I mean, what about all those wonderful people who paid to see me? Surely they should get something from the experience, right? And what about the children?
What about the children?!
WILL SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!?!?!
So in the event that Disney is unable to fix me... *deep breath* I have come up with a list of ways they could still run Everest without a working yeti.
Here are my top ten ideas.
10. Add an opossum that pops up behind me and says "FSU!"
9. Put a video screen in front of me, with a cartoon image of me on a flying carpet with Donald.
8. Turn it into Stitch's Expedition Everest. Take out the roller coaster and the theme but keep the height restriction.
7. Ask you to pick your favorite sports team on a touch screen at the beginning of the ride. At the end of the ride, the opossum pops up and cheers for your team. That shows they care.
6. Turn off the lights and say it's a dinosaur theme.
5. Change the name of the park to Universal Studios' Animal Kingdom.
4. Switch my head with Mickey's.
3. Make a big-budget movie series about me. Have a part of the story where I'm frozen in ice inside a mountain disco. Put Eddie Murphy in it. He can play me.
2. Spray water into the guests' faces. Everything's better when you spray water in the guests' faces.
1. Turn it into a Tinkerbell meet-and-greet.
So there you have it folks. Don't worry about me. Everest will be juuuuuust fine.
Hmmmm. Now this list has got me thinking.
I wonder how I'd look with Mickey's head...
* This post brought to you by a generous grant from the McDonald's corporation.**
** This is not true.
One of my secret spies sent me these. Shh, don't tell anyone.
DISNEY CONFIDENTIAL MEMORANDUM From: Bob Iger, Head Honcho To: Bro. Ken Parks, Disney Parks Division Re: Disco Yeti It has come to our attention that an animatronic yeti over at Disney World has been broken for quite some time, and is now being referred to as "Disco Yeti" by the fans. It has further come to our attention that this yeti is now blogging snarky things about our company and is quickly gaining in popularity at our expense. What are we going to do about this situation? Bob
DISNEY CONFIDENTIAL MEMORANDUM From: Bro. Ken Parks, Disney Parks Division To: Bob Iger, Head Honcho Re: Disco Yeti Response We're way ahead of you, Bob. I talked to my buddies in the Pencil Pushing and Corporate Dreck Divisions, and we quickly realized the potential of this "Disco Yeti" thing. So this holiday season, the Walt Disney Company is fully prepared to cash in on the broken disco creature craze. Below, see our must-have holiday item for the season. We call him "Disco Mickey." He's going to blow the lid off of the youth market.
"Hot diggity dog. I've still got it."
I think I'm going to make that my new ringtone.
Sooooo... remember a while back, when I wrote that open letter to Tom Staggs, and mentioned that I kinda had a thing for Belle?
Yeah. Well, apparently it's not a good idea to post things online that you don't want the world to know about. Why didn't anyone tell me this? I'm fairly certain my Facebook account came with a legal obligation to post embarrassing pictures of my friends drunk at parties, kind of like Myspace accounts used to come with a legal obligation to post half-dressed mirror photos of yourself making a seductive face. (In retrospect, that one didn't work out too well for me either, especially after my mom requested me as a friend. Woops.)
Anyhoo, someone told Belle about my blog, and now she's not speaking to me. Neither is the Beast, but he rarely talks to anyone anyway. I think he's still bitter that he had to change back to Beast form to be in the parks. Oh cry me a river, dude. That's how some of us look every day. And you don't even have a human name, so shut up and enjoy the attention.
But it's hard out there to be a single yeti. I mean, where do you go to meet people? Bars don't work very well for me. Girls have to be really drunk not to freak out about a yeti at the bar, and by then they usually just think I'm Robin Williams. Besides, I'm pretty sure "a yeti walks into a bar" is the beginning of a bad joke.
Actually, the Citizens of Hollywood could probably do something with it in one of their infamous Funniest Citizen routines:
99 Disco Yetis walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve Disco Yetis here. You should leave."
And the Disco Yetis say, "Well we're not moving!"
Ahahaha. Aha. Ha.
I tried E-Harmony, but apparently they have a strict "no yetis" policy, which I think is just pure discrimination. (I'm totally gonna sue.) But they did refer me to this alternate service, Compatible Characters. It asked me about ten thousand questions about myself and then matched me up with Murphy, Disneyland's Fantasmic dragon. Ugh.
I mean, don't get me wrong, she's nice and all, but we're kind of incompatible. She's allergic to yetis, and I'm allergic to being burned to a death by a sneeze. You know, little things like that.
Besides, Murphy is nothing like me. Sure, we're both animatronic mythical beasts. Sure, we both star in our own Disney attractions. And sure, we've both become more famous for being broken than anything else.
But when she breaks, she actually gets fixed. I, on the other hand, get a blog.
And no, Mom, I am not adding you as a friend on Facebook. Not if you're going to post more of those mirror photos. I still have nightmares.